Of Rationalizing and Running

(There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon.)

Bull.Shit.
I used to be one of those saps pictured life oh-so-fairytale-esque. Some cute and endearing trait of mine would somehow lure Mr. Right directly to me and things would be so simple. There would never be any awkward first dates or arguments or betrayals. It would be trusting and sweet and never would we worry about wandering eyes or worse.
Then I grew up a little and became a little more cynical– cough cough, I mean, "rational" and decided that love and all that comes with it would arrive whenever it damn well pleased. I would not plan my life around it, I would not expect to be married by a certain age, picket fence two years after that, 2.3 kids and a dog by the time I was late 30s (to be honest I've never really been one of those girls but for the purposes of this essay we'll go with it) and still blissfully wed by my 30th wedding anniversary. In this phase I knew there were other things to focus on, or, well, one other thing: my career. My ideal followed a more job orientated path, complete with corner office and my own assistant.
Then came today. The day I (as I write this I know I will look back someday and think how silly this all is because I'm saying this at barely 22) will give up on that all. I will not "let love find me." I will not seek it out. I will not stop looking only to have it appear like a spring lady bug, crawling up my arm. Today is the day I fight it, tooth and well manicured nail. Today is the day I stop wondering about old relationships, the day I stop day dreaming about new ones, the day I give it all up.
And no, I'm not becoming a nun.
I refuse to put myself back in a position, an extremely vulnerable position, simply to be knocked down again. I don't need it and I most certainly don't look forward to it. Why would anyone do that? So you can feel wanted? So someone can make you feel special? Guess what. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

I'm sure years from now, I'll look back at this and think how cynical I was. But today will forever be known as the day I started running from it all because I'm simply out of ideas.